My toes were cold from the walk home as the sky drizzled sweet dew all over my heart. Mixed emotions began to rise and fall with in me like a mini competition was going on. The calm me that believed in the universe was resting in the thought of leaving my dump of a flat, to join the ranks of world travelers and finally be held in the truth of my being. The heavy weighted imprinted part of my limbic brain was crying for mommy wishing that an answer would write itself out with side walk chalk as I walked to my front door relieving me of any sense of self responsibility to have to think for myself, it was exhausting.
The flat smelled the same, a mix of burnt wood from the stove and dried up paint from my many canvases that had yet to see the intimate placement hanging on the walls of a gallery. Painting had always been just a fun sort of dance for me, never meant to be performed but that did not stop the small hope inside praying for that one single moment of glory to reveal itself.
I went to pull the suitcase from underneath my bedwhen I felt a hurricane of emotions begin to stream out of my eyes and pool onto my cheeks leaving a tiny river trail to my lips. I gave in to it. The crying went into convulsions and my heart snapped in two as I felt my ribs crumble on top of one another, it seemed that breathing was a things of the past as I gasped for air. The mix of snot and tears that gathered inside of my palms reminded me of being a child when I realized that not everyone was kind and gentle. I can still remember the day.
I was ten years old and having always been quite different as a child my friends resembled plastic horses and my intense imagination. I would literally morph into a horse (In my mind) and I would gallop around the back yard on all fours drinking water form a large bowl and rolling around as if I were free of any and all human capabilities. The moment my mother would call outside for dinner and I knew I had to walk on two legs, this was crushing for my horse of a spirit so I would gallop to the dinner table and no one in my family would think either way, as that was my norm.
That was not the norm however of the outside world and as my inner horse spirit began to grow and grow, I would forget when I was being a horse or a girl, so the moment I forgot which to be in public was the moment of my inner demise. It was during lunch recess and everyone was outside, I would sit on the swings and gallop over every thing I could think of in my mind, and for just one moment I allowed the vision to over take me and I jumped off that swing and began to gallop. I was running with fierce spirit Robert Redford himself would not have had a chance to wrangle me in. I galloped through the sand box, under the jungle gym, around the tetherball rod and just as I felt like I was turning into a Pegasus because of my warp speed I dodged a 4 foot five girl who began to point and laugh. With in seconds it was as if I had awoken from a dream, I actually had to shake my head to reawaken from my horses spirit and as I blinked many young girls and boys were circled around me laughing with a fierce tone. Not only was I being violated with their intentions of hurting me but I felt every single bone on my body turn to dust as I wished myself into a state of disappearance. Who knew being creative and channeling horse spirits would be looked down upon? Who knew 10 years olds could be such assholes?
Something in my heart broke that day, and I began to crawl inside myself. I crawled so deep inside that by the time I turned 13 I had no idea who I was when I was in public, it was like I was constantly attuning myself to the surroundings like a survival mechanism. My spirit had been broken, and I heard all of the ponies around me cry in pain.
The suitcase under my bed was covered in dust and part of me knew that the trip was completely insane. Who would listen to an old man they have never met, take a plane ticket and fly to another country to see a man about a horse? Who in their right mind would do such a thing? The broken part of my heart knew it was my only option to survive with my inner light turned on in this lifetime, and frankly my current existence was only a barely surviving shell of who I really was.
I was hardly ate, I never returned my friends calls and I was the only woman I knew that was 35, single and had never had a boyfriend for longer then 3 months. There was something with in me that would just turn off when the going got tough if you know what I mean and to be honest, I have had no idea of what to do in this world since that day at recess. I know in my heart what I am to do, who I want to be and how to shine but the reality of the thickness of this dimension out weighed any hope I have ever felt of me being myself. I belong on some other planet where people are kind to one another, and people cherish you because of your heart’s essence not because of how much money you have, or what you wear, or if you act like a human being or a horse. Frankly, horses were much better then humans in my opinion, they were honest, kind, and savvy. If they didn’t like you you’ll know it, if your scared they will test you to help you heal your inner fears and if your mean, they will run. They have no intentions of fighting or standing up to someone when they know how pointless meanness and anger truly is.
I was a horse, inside and out and the only times growing up I ever felt happy is when I was surrounded by them.
As the sobbing stopped I laid on my bed, sleeping in my bar clothes and setting my alarm for 8 am, ready to catch the noon flight to some hot country filled with my legend of a destiny.
That night I had a dream, it was the first dream I had had in months and it thrilled me. I woke up in a pool of sweat kissing my pillow with an awakened sense of sexiness that only Johnny Depp could draw out of me. I love pirates.
I dreamed that my feet were covered in grass and every time I tried to walk or run the grass would grow taller and taller, soon it circled up to my knees which is when I began to scream for help. A man wearing no shirt and low cut pants ran up to me, he had flowing dark hair and eyes that pierced my soul. “What is it?” he asked in a voice that was no where close to how I was feeling. “I am caught, in the grass can’t you see it’s growing up to my knees I can move!” He smiled in a calming way and put his hand on my shoulder which sent a vibration into my bones, the vibration began to stimulate my feet and as I looked down the grass had stopped growing but remained around my legs. “Why is it that you have to move?” He asked.
It was a damn good question, I took a deep breathe and thought about it for a moment. “ I guess I don’t, thank you. What’s your name?” At this question he laughed and laughed and laughed and it began to annoy me the fact that my question made him so jovial! As he saw the steam grow inside of me he grabbed both of my shoulders with his hands and then he came in for a kiss, let me tell you this kiss was not just a kiss. This touching of lips allowed the crack of my heart to shine light through and the lightness of my spirit to grow. I felt like the world of my being was opening and I was about to pop out like a butterfly from a chrysalis. As I waved my hand up to stroke his hair he began to morph, his neck got long and his hair grew, his back elongated and back legs grew out until he absorbed the shape of a horse, a sexy black horse,
I was in shock . I watched him move with the grace of the most beautiful horse in the world as his black coat shimmered in the sun and the soul that rested in his eyes pierced into all of my dreams and desires. He bent his head down and began to eat the grass from around my legs freeing me. And just as I was about to look up with my new sense of freedom I awoke. In a pool of sweat, wishing for a another kiss and trying to calm my heart that had not beat this fast since only god knows when.
At this point I couldn’t seem to get to Argentina fast enough.